Inner Revolution

See

2011-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

See, this is what happens when I go back to work. All energy for speaking, writing, anything goes straight out the window. But. Now the sun is returning and I'm becoming less dead.

Interesting gig, Linus visiting Stockholm and the big move is coming up.

Somewhere in there I should be able to fit, exam, and essays. I hope. Gogogogo!

Rest-or-ing?

2011-02-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

I've been really, really tired. And I can't say I have an explanation for it. Feeling stressed, and long walks in the cold... ?

SL has been completly fucked all week. Late or not working every day.

I feel like everything is standing still. I hate that feeling.

Le tired.

2011-02-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

Wow. Eventful weekend, that I thought would include alot of heavy lifting, but that only ended up happening at the gym.

Snowstorm (normal snowfall, really... but if you listen to the traffic handlers...) on friday. Led to me and mom both having to stay home. No work. No training. Barely made it to the shopps. So ALOT of computer gaming was had. Alex got stuck at the lab but made it in time... to show up... and... win... >.<

We went for a late-night SL adventure, and actually made it to Lidingö. *phew*

Saturday was supposed to be filled with the heavy lifting. But alot of weird circumstances prohibited this. Mainly, someone having switched the locks on my friends basement storage door. Where all my stuff is kept.

So it was me and my father-in-law Micke, hanging out in a basement... for almost two hours. What happens when you leave an engineer and a chief doctor in a basement? Talk of love, murder and all the padlock having been mysteriously been put... UPSIDEDOWN! Damn we were bored.

Today the family, minus Vicky, went to the Terracotta Army exhibition. Turned out it was in the old military tunnels underneath the museum. Awesome. As it looked just like the tunnels where they were originally found. Sadly, all the stone blocked my cellphone, and poor Kim who we were going to meet for training couldn't be reached when we were... *cough* turning out to be an hour late. Sorry Kim.

Now. I am so tired and dead. I don't know who's my face. But moms walnut/cheese/olive stuffed bread was tasty.

*donk*

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Week of Hell. And it's only wednesday.

2011-02-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

Wow.

Jagged start at work with weird stuff going on. An almost 50% loss of students. Not getting to where I want with schoolwork. Not finding an appartment. And now because of a accident I need to move all my stored furniture and stuff. And now I've sent the possible questions asking for help that I can... and I just have to wait for... replies.

GASP! ARGH! HACKSPATH!

I am NOT feeling it today.

Frissy hair!

2011-02-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

Friday became a very, very, very long rpg evening with Gus and Thobi. Mainly having me and Gus doing horrible things. Some lovely Laphroig and a bunch of my very, very chocolaty cookies were enjoyed with all the fantasy mayhem.

I had to take a looong walk home, early saturday morning, and saturday was a bit... weird. But it ended with dinner with Alex, her little sister and her friend. And then I went along to see Tangled. Wow. Probably one of the best things that have come out of Disney in years. Worth the watch.

Ended up on Lidingö, finding a very sick Michael in his sofa. A long sleep later, I ended up working on their network whilst downing some awesome coffee. Then we ended up at FoS lifting heavy things. Kim taught me some new moves. Especially... wrist lifts, working the lower arms. Very interesting for the guitarist.

Then, Civ with mom, Pina-Colada tea. And late blogging.

Tomorrow, work starts. Feels REALLY weird having less courses then when I first went to work. Really hoping things pick up or I'll be in some economic shit... :/

Need to work my tits.

2011-02-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I still can haz an big owie! Which is good. But it's been really annoying just moving around today.

Cats have been vomiting everywhere... and had other digistive problems. Argh.

Been typing. Brain empty.

Blargh.

Tomorrow. More heavy lifting. Or at least some serious cycling.

It's impossible to brush my hair.

2011-01-31T12:54:00.000-08:00

After crawling up out of bed I had no way of doing my tiny morning routine. Which is brushing my hair. I could not lift my arms. Awesome! That's some serious training pain.

Got to know that a course I was planning on doing has been canceled. So it was just to mail work and sign up for doing more classes. I do not like loosing more time to school. But I do enjoy the feeling of slightly better economical security. Also sent an e-mail to my good old friend Arvid who mentioned that his lens packing buisniss always need some extra help every now and then. So I hope I might get to fill out the register a bit this summer. Hell. I really need to make plans to hang out with Arf.

New batch of appartment listings today. But alas, already people with 4 bloody more days then us in the que. Although I really think, from looking closely the last few weeks, that there can only be about ten more people ahead of us for these kinds of appartments.

Otherwise today was a big attempt at writing. Yarr. And a long walk to the store for milk and slight exercise.

Heavy as a Really Heavy Thing.

2011-01-30T13:29:00.000-08:00

Finally I'm well enough to be back at the gym. (Thanks Kim for one last nagging message to get me going) And what wouldn't a first time out after three weeks of illness be... without complete overkill? Did a combined lift-things that are REALLY HEAVY. In way that HUMANS ARE NOT DESIGNED TO DO. Then running of riding an excersise-bike for an hour... and then LIFTING MORE HEAVY THINGS.

Ended up being shanghaid by Alex dad, who cleverly forced me into making chili. And then... giving me and Alex a ton of leftovers to bring home. Luv that guy.

Poor Alex almost ended up being another heavy thing (Not heavy at all, all women weigh less then air) as she's been working all weekend. She actually nodded off both during the bus and train rides to get home.

Argh.

Hazel.

2011-01-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

I've been really slow recovering from the flu. I've been really slow in the head as a result of my throat and stuff being swollen.

Mom pointed out that both she and I are allergic to hazel.

Hazel is releasing pollen this time of year.

Took two minutes for me to go: "Ah.... ha".

Damn you hazel trees. I'm gonna eat your nuts.

New Year.

2011-01-26T01:31:00.000-08:00

Bit of a rocky start this year. Pulled a back-muscle. Got really sick. Gigantic angst dealing with school-work and looking at my economic situation for the coming year. Although a visit to my extremly good friend Linus was, as always, a big positive.

Many new things to do. As said, getting back in the groove of beating my way through school. Finding a appartment. It's driving me nuts as there's nothing I can activly do beyond... finding insane amounts of money in the street. Just a waiting game.

Also have a new fitness goal. Actually two. Get down from 80 to 75. And Kim, the bastard, talked me into running a swedish mile (10km) in less then an hour, in may. Good start there with getting really, really sick. Blargh.

Brother.

2010-10-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I'll get a visit from my brother. Hence I need to get into bed at a resonable time. I need to get up and prepare some things.

Wednesdays are good days. It's all fun stuff. It's all good people who do what they should be doing at work. I like wednesdays.

Sweeps, metal, tapping and stories.

Yum.

Heavy.

2010-10-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Darkness is really coming down thick. Hot poo it's tough to get up and do stuff every day. And I still don't do enough. I need to get further and faster with my essay writing.

Argh. It's always something.

But I'm pulling through. I'm not swamped. I get to do fun things and be with loved ones during the weekends. (except some of you bastards who live too far away... you know who you are.)

I really want to write some more. But I'm tired. So very, very tired.

Wörking.

2010-10-06T14:52:00.001-07:00

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

And study.

Oh-oh, vindaloo

2010-09-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

Been back at work for a week. Alot of kinks to work out of the new schemes, ideas and how things work. Not to mention the overwhelming feeling of the first week.

The words are knackered and manky.

Trying to study in the mornings and on the train rides. Got alot of stuff to fix tomorrow, especially for the singing lessons. How am I to get any effective teaching done in 20 minutes? Plan, plan, plan.

Managed to have two days of straight roleplaying though. Alot of fun has been had, but I'm running on fumes and coffee. I belive I've had five double espressos today. I can't say that's a good thing. I've had some of those fever spikes I get when I'm way to tired. Not a sick thing. Just from being tired. Wish I knew a physiological explanation for that.

Tomorrow. Planning. Laundry. Gym. Study. Make food for the week. Practice guitar. Sleep. Argh.

Hammer smashed place.

2010-09-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Argh. 3 weeks of stone sawing, digging, steel pipe welding and all kinds of annoying things. The noise is giving me a permanent headache. Which is interesting since I'm in a Cannibal Corpse kind of mood and listening alot to that.

I can see some sort of equation.

Again the septemberness makes itself known in how bad, sad and crappy things just spring out and hit people in the face.

Been training today. And I'm pretty tired. Going to try to use that to get to bed a bit earlier.

Enter the darkness.

2010-09-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

Fall has arrived. Rain, wind, greyness and darkness.

Just about everyone I know is slightly depressed or sick. I feel it too. I've had trouble sleeping again, for no good reason.

There's a basic feeling of... uneasyness. Feeling unsafe.

Fight back. Huddle up. Love. Care. Go forth and wear rain proof clothes.

Spinn me baby.

2010-09-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

Went back to the gym today after a weeks illness. Hot poo. It was a massive hour of cycling whilst sitting still.

Turned most of the room I live in upside down yesterday in search of research books and roleplaying papers. I've found everything except ONE damn book. I have a pile of unsorted books in a... hard to reach area of the room. (sounds implausible I know, the room is tiny, but trust me) Or, it could be in the moving boxes where my furniture reside. Ouch. Need to find that bastard.

I feel I manage to keep very busy without accomplishing all that much. Even whilst sick I filled my days with writing, reading and guitar. Stuff that don't leave alot of trace in the amount of accomplished work department. Maybe I can... track my progress somehow? So I feel more ok about it?

Thursday I'm heading southward for a private lesson. Going to help a guy find which guitar group he should be applying for. As I have a huge range now from beginners to really competent players.

Still missing responses from both one proffessor at KTH and from my boss at work, who has not replied to the e-mail criticizing that things get put off. Fun that.

Fighting the man.

2010-09-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Still ill. And I've started a possible fight with a superior at work because of bad handling and treatment. It will be interesting to watch how this evolves.

Spent the day writing and baking. Made this awesome raspberry cheesecake. Three layers. Top is raspberry sauce, with whole raspberries and sour cream. Then a layer of raspberry cheesecake with white chocolate. The lowest layer is vanilla cheesecake with yet more white chocolate. The bottom is a cocoa infused digistive layer with chunks of dark chocolate. This to be served with homemade Baileys ice-cream that I made simultaneously.

There will be epic noms.

This also reminds me that I got a photobucket acount and that I should have taken pics of all this. I blame me being ill. And that I still have no rutine for keeping the camera with me.

Finally got somewhere in my kth proffessor hunt. One proffessor seems to have been spreading the rumor that he has retired. He has not. He just dosn't like having to do administrative work. I will have to hunt the other more ferociously though. With another e-mail. From another adress. Wow.

11 out of the 12 courses I had planned to do at work this fall have started. Sadly the one I personally was most interested in doing hasn't got of the ground yet. "Scales and Improvisation". Which is weird as many students asked for this course, but only one has applied. Well, there's another 3-6 weeks until things really start so, who knows?

100th post.

2010-08-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

This is the 100th addition to the blogg. Don't really know if it's worth celebrating somehow... ehr.

*toot*

There.

I'm ill. Once more. But hopefully it's just a small one day thing. Soon of to bed for some serious curing.

Today was spent sending e-mails, practicing guitar as far as my disoriented and fevered mind would let me, and civ 4 with Gus. Awesome. Thank you my friend. Doing something fun keeps spirits up.

Yesterday I was at the gym with Alex. And I had a blast. It's awesome when we get out toghether to do stuff. And it's also very nice when it's just us. We end up doing so much with family, or friends. It's very seldom it's just us and we get to fully experience what us is. And it's great.

I also managed to clean out my e-mail inbox for the first time in almost two years. It feels great.

Lost it.

2010-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

I'm down at 86.6kg. Which means I'm right where I left of before I went south, visited Linus, and ate a whole bunch of stuff.

I don't quite get though how I promised myself to do 2 or 3 gym passes this week. I'm up to three now... and still have another on sunday. Well it's one less at least.

I'm being seriously run around by kth. I'm supposed to hand in an essay but, there seems to be no teacher handling the course? Which is just weird. Someone always has to be responsible for a course. And for the other essay I have to hand in I still havn't gotten a response from said teacher wether it's all correct or not or if there's been a change. Can't do much more then to keep e-mailing I guess.

Also have to have a serious chat with my boss. I had equipment stolen last fall for about 10k. Which was supposed to be handled by the schools insurance. Turns out they weren't covered. So they have to pay me themselves. Now almost a year later I got the money. And it's close to HALF of what I should have got. That's it. No more mister understanding nice-guy. They can buy their own damn guitars and equipment for me to use from now on. Not to mention pay the actual sum we agreed upon.

And I need to get up early tomorrow. I'll be working all day and then I have a dinner with medical scientist. I could feel a bit intimidated. But I'm awesome. And really, really, really, really, really tired. Zzzzzz.

Hard training.

2010-08-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

Whut the heck. I keep booking myself on more and more gym times. Looks as if I'm going tuesday, wednesday and thursday. Then I'll be working as a sound technician on friday, end the day with on a medical research dinner. O.o

Also got invited by Alexs grandmother to a restaurant with the family. The Demi is charming is way everywhere.

Spinning me right round.

2010-08-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

Lost about half a kilo (roughly one pound) during the last week. And I'm heading for the gym again tomorrow.

It's scary to say, but right now, just about everything seems to be going well and everything is cool. It's all about beating down the generalised angst.

Got woke up at 02:26 in the morning. Poor Alex had to stay at work until a little over two in the morning and had no way of figuring out what buses and such she could use to get home. And I though I had bad working hours.

Working hard on guitar studies. And trying to get some sort of semblence of a growl vocal course that I'm to teach during the fall. Need to get my shit toghether. Oh and whilst typing, I just realised that I've promised to do a couple of my songs at work. Darn. Need to notate them aswell. Or, well, clean up the old notations.

A couple of days in the life of...

2010-08-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

The days sneak away from you if you're not careful. That is especially true when blogging.

I found out I have a couple extra weeks before work starts. I'm trying to fill it with guitar, training, studying and company as best as I can. Not to mention I have some extra time prepping for work. I've got around ten notation jobs done now. It's probably already more then I need.

Last weekend was a massive icecream party at Alexs. The earlier mentioned icecream machine had to be supplemented by one borrowed from Ewa. Otherwise all the icecream ideas would just have run off and been forgotten. Polkadot, Elderberry, Coconut-banana, Figs-in-brandy, Licorice, etc. I wonder where all the normal icecreams went... like... chocolate or vanilla?

Even though I've been off to a good start I keep dragging my feet about actually getting my two essays off the ground. I need to send to important emails so that I can actually start reading and writing. But it's so easy to put off. Which makes me angry with myself.

Worked out two days in a row. Aerobics yesterday (which was crap in a knapsack) and Spinning today (can we just call it an exercise-bike? Seriously? It's what it is!). Both were plagued by the really bad instructors. (I have a very low threshold with this since I'm a teacher myself) But I could actually get something out of the spinning. Might have overdone it slightly though as my legs are just... so much jelly.

I've been really itching to record. But the emotion feels wasted. My gear is packed up. I don't have what I need to get this computer recording ready until I've moved to the new appartment (Come on other people in the que, can't you all just fuck off for a few weeks?) Or... can I?

Hmm.

Vindaloo.

2010-08-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

Just finished making a vegitarian Vindaloo. Awesome stuff. Spicy with just the right hotness, got some beans and colliflour in there for some protein and stuff to chew on.

Been working on notation so I have stuff ready for when my work starts. The amount of guitar notation I go through really adds up. I've got over two filled folders with some 300+ songs now. And still I need to add more to stay fresh.

Almost gotten rid of the cough. Managed to go and train yesterday and it went well. Sadly the instructor wasn't quite up to par. Choosing overly complex moves that people could barely follow and then having a demeaning attitude as if everyone in the room were three years old.

But I have to say. Guys, if you are lonely and looking for a place to meet women, go to FoS. 5 Men. 70 Women. And that is a persistant quota, except in the gym section where it's closer to 50/50%.

Also practicing on how to play some songs. I'm happy that I've been able to practice a bit every day, it's so easy to just not do it.

Tomorrow I have a studyplan meeting. Need to get up early to be prepared. It's mainly a formality and I need help contacting a few teachers but I can't help feeling nervous. It's going back to KTH and I feel my body just not liking me going there. I'm trying to replace all the angsty imagery with positive but it's not all that easy. But I shall persist.

Fler ismaskiner and the punishing rain.

2010-08-08T03:37:00.000-07:00

I'll be keeping it short, since I'm really manky from yesterday and have places to go.

On friday we had a much delayed birthday celebration for Alex. Barbeque spits, blueberry juice and the gift of a icecream machine. Rounded of with trying to conquer the world in Civ4.

Yesterday was Sonisphere 2010. And OMG WTFBBQ!!! The rain. The Rain. THE RAIN! I have never been so wet in my life.

I managed to see Anthrax. Who were really boring on stage. I only got to hear Hammerfall, which caused alot of giggling, especially from my dear mother who was with me. They are cute, they are fun, but they're not metal. Then we actually got good spots for Slayer, whilst waiting for the others to show up. Slayer were even more boring on stage. Holy crap that was uninspirerd. And the old saying is true. "You like Slayer riffs. You do not like Slayer." And I can't belive that after 30 years in the bizz they still havn't learned to play their instruments. That's just... sad.

Finally we met up with Alex and her sister, got some food and spots for Alice Cooper near the front. Alice was fun, made an effort and could still pull it all off. Sure it's over the top theatricals, but it's awesome and silly, but we got to dance, despite the rain. There was no chance in trying to get to Motley Crue, so we stayed put. Then the rain actually stopped for a bit. Iron Maiden went on. It was great. 55000 people were there. Awesomeness happened. Then it ended, everyone started going home. Then the muterfakkingrainstormfromhellwithlightingandshitontop happened. Holy crap! The whole grassfield had been turned to shit-slurry. And then the heavens opened up on everyone. People tore down picket fences to get out of there. We rode the wave and made it to Alex's appartment which is only 15 minutes (in good weather mind you) away from the festival area.

Lobsang tea was had. Clothing was emptied of water (I can't say dried) as best as possible before we all went on, trying to get home. We took a detour around town to get away from the crowd and made good time. Then everyone fell over.

Back.

2010-08-06T03:23:00.000-07:00

More in a metaphorical sense.

I am back in Stockholm. Beating down the last of the disease I contracted at Freak Guitar Camp. I'm still not well but as close to as I'm going to get for a while.

I feel a bit more decided, about, things and life in general.

Greak Cuitar Famp.

2010-07-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

Creak Fuitar Gamp?

Anywho. I'm done with all the packing. Well it wasn't a big thing. But strangely enough, I wasn't packed 3 weeks beforehand. I even considered leaving it off until tomorrow.

Mom took me for a walk to the Globe shopping area and pimped me with new shoes and sandals. Badass. After a short return home we were of to FoS for some serious training. Fun to have got her started on it. And always nice to have another person to go with.

Walking there we go through a forested area... and found nettles over two meters high. It was like, a giant wall of stinging horribleness.

Back home there was awesome taco dinner to be had and a welldeserved bath.

Now I've spent two hours reorganising my mp3 player. Awesome tunes to be had.

But yes, now it's time to hit the hay. Tomorrow, trainride and meet up with Linus. Good times to be had. And then Freak Guitar Camp of course.

86.

2010-07-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

At the moment I'm sitting and checking through old notations. I need to prep these for printing so I can bring them with me and practice at any time. But that means I have to manually go in and retype a bunch of them. Not fun or productive at all really.

Today we had a big family dinner, celebrating grandad who's turning 86. It gets a bit stiff and awkward but we cousins at least get along.

The weather is a bit off. We've got massive rain and thunderclouds, but nothing is happening. They're just hanging there. I want a damn storm! GIEF!

Also upon waking up I found out that Alexandras laptop is giving them alot of grief over in japan so I'm researching the HP tx 2000 model. Holy hell all those lappys have alot of production errors that fail after just over a year. There's been tonnes of petitions to have a general recall because they break down so quickly.

Apparently the grafics card and the network card component of the motherboard havn't been soldered on properly in ANY of them. They also have heat dissipation problems. This means that pretty quickly the soldering loosens, the grafic card and network adapter actually come loose, and hey, compy won't work anymore.

So, HP is officially a shit company I shall never buy from. Sure, all HP products I've run into in the last... ten years have been a bit wonky, but this is just horrid.

Death and Cookies!

2010-07-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, today was actually cooler. Only 27 degrees outside. Hence, my brain started working again.

Got some cleaning and washing done. Got the basic FGC packing in order and things have quieted down and the trip seems a-go. Yay. I really miss Linus and all the good people around Tibro. And I miss all my guitar nutcase friends around Gothemburg. And this year, I just feel epic.

I also took the day of. No running around, training or anything. Just kick-back. Nice. Ewa was on an all day trip to Gripsholms Castle, a bit west of Stockholm. Wish I could have gone, but sooner or later.

I did bake alot of cookies, we're celebrating granddads 86th birthday tomorrow and some murder cookies with 5 types of dark chocolate in them. Hot poo they were huge and rich. You can barely finish one.

Then mom came home and I convinced her to check out Dead Space. I've beat it once and I'm now trying it on 'impossible' difficulty. It really helps me, who get a bit to into it, to have someone else in the room when playing something that scary.

Now I'm digesting the cookie, having a last half-cup of tea and trying to get ready for bed.

Even more long walks.

2010-07-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today mainly consisted of a three hour walk through alot of sunshine. Also went shopping for granddad.

I honestly don't remember all that much else.

And I'm dead tired from lack of sleep in the heat.

It's not extremly hot right now.

I'm going to bed.

:P

Long Walks.

2010-07-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

Started the day with a long walk to the city, to help mom get her gym-card. We stopped by the Globen shopping center and I got some new shoes. Yay.

We got home. I made some vegitarian mushroom based gumbo. It kicked ass. And it will seriously be kicking my ass by this time tomorrow.

Then we went for another walk, to the exact same place but this time actually did a pass at the gym. And then of course another long walk home.

I am feeling seriously manky. As I also got alot of sun on me.

Hand Cramp Hero.

2010-07-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

Today was just monstrously hot. I had some plans for stuff that needed doing but it all went up in smoke when I poured out of bed. And as I did that, Alexandra and family flew off to Tokyo. When I'm typing this, very late at night here, they will have landed.

I just don't work in this temperature.

But I had a very nice day with Ewa. We watched a couple of movies, Die Hard 4 and Shaun of the Dead which she hadn't seen before. Then we actually played Guitar Hero III. I managed to beat the game on normal without any hinderence and Ewa got into learning the basics. And had alot of fun. It's also heartwarming to see how engaging the game is for non-musicians.

That's pretty much the whole day. It won't really be remembered beyond a fussy nice feeling.

If I could have been bothered, todays soundtrack would have been Strapping Young Lads - In the Rainy Season.

Also, now the train tickets for visiting Linus and going to Freak Guitar Camp have been booked. All is well.

The Hidden Fortress.

2010-07-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

Been off for a couple of days, out on Lidingö. (The island in the northern part of inner stockholm where alot of the upperclass people live, I can tell you some weird stories...) Ahem.

The reason of course is that Alex and family lives there. And the timing was pretty much that the second I stepped on the island, a four day heatwave began. Holy hell.

But I digress. It's after midnight and I'm still dripping so bear with me.

On friday, I went for a walk with my friend Janna. We're finally getting around to seeing eachother. We had a nice cool walk through town, probably along the only place in the city worth walking along, as you get boats, greens, and not alot of traffic or people. Ended up hanging a bit in a park, talking. Explored a small island you can wade out to near Smedsuddsbadet.

Then I got the idea that we could walk to Karolinska Insitutet, since I was picking up Alexandra there afterwards anyway. And they were having a big fika and a sendoff for some of the foreign students.

Long story short, we got there, after having picked up some interesting chocolate. (Marabous passionfruit and chili, which was surprisingly good and some Salmiakki. Which is salt liqourice toffe inside milk chocolate. Especially good for scaring non swedes at parties. >:)

It was a nice fika. I got to see Janna and Alex sort of hit it off even though they didn't really get time to talk, and I got alot of interesting chocolate reactions.

After getting Janna on the right bus me and Alex were heading for the island. That's where things get blurry, because... damn. It got hot. But among things, I made hamburgers from scratch and they PWNed. We watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Akira Kurosawas 'the Hidden Fortress' and it was good. (And, even tough I'm a huge Star Wars fan... damn, George Lucas is a sad hack who barely got lucky. Wow. Lucas stole, and stole, and stole...)

Now, I'm planning the FGC trip. Which mainly includes getting down to visit Mr. Gul again. (You know, this guy: http://linus.gyt.se/ )

Dead Space.

2010-07-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

My shoulders ache from all the tension of playing Dead Space. Gwd Dmn that is a creepy and scary game!

But I have finished it. And I feel like a man. A big hairy man. Who kinda shat his pants. And I'm probably going to go through it once more. On impossible mode.

Now, see. I have this friend, mr. Gul, who sort of lent me his PS2 with a scary shitload of games. I've been able to play through about half of God of War. But that's all the tv-gaming I've managed. Ok, it's also kinda related to the fact that I don't live in the part of the appartment where the tv is but... dammit I need to get at that thing:

This was also a test, to see if I can figure out how to post pictures from photobucket.

Did it work?

Grey.

2010-07-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today was just a day. Bun, the cat, managed to get into the livingroom during the night. By using superior ninja-cat skills. (Jumping on a small 10x15cm end of a cardboard box, vaulting over a big wooden barrier thingy.) He managed to get hair on all the fresh clothes, on the computerchair, the sofa, the carpets... Then of course he panicked as he was on the wrong side of a door from where the food bowl was. Se he mewed from like five in the morning until I finally got up and figured out what was going on.

Later a small child outside apparently, from the noise, cut his leg off and ate it. Bleeding to death, whilst being attacked by stray ants and zombies did seem to take a while. Again, this was speculation from the amount of noise this child was making.

Turned out his family was going on vacation, and he didn't want to go. So this somehow led to him screeming for over two hours, whilst trying to unpack the car the rest of the family was packing. How the hell did they deem this ok at 8 in the morning? They didn't manage to leave until 10:12. By then I was up, and fuming. Why do I not keep a shotgun for these circumstances? Nevermind the zombie uprising.

Rest of the day has been spent battling the "CrapIhavetogetshitdonethisinstant!"-emotion and the "Fuckitallitdoesn'tmatteranyway". Ok. So today was just a really crappy day from the lack of sleep, allergies and alot of training cramps. But hot poo. I just want a semi-productive middle ground.

Made some vegitarian gumbo. Stole some cookies I shouldn't. Enjoyed alot of good tea. Took some pictures, but I havn't gotten around to figure out the link-from-photobucked thing yet. Shouldn't be hard.

Enjoyed alot of QI. Played some guitar. Got through two chapters of Dead Space. Only two left. Dang. Not at all a good thing to play late in the evening. Cleaned the appartment.

But mainly, had unnecessary fighting going on in my head.

Reboot.

2010-07-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Alrighty.

Trying to get myself to type again. It's not all that easy. I stopped because there was just no energy left in me to do it. Now I need to find my way back into a more active life. Not that I havn't been active as hell, but, since I lived through the stress and insomnia I have now found myself carrying around a slight fear of... just doing things. Especially typing and reading has felt very uncomfortable.

But, if I'm supposed to do some actual blogging and not just sad nagging, I should do it properly. I shall see if I can't take a page (ahem, pun, argh.) from my very, very good friend Mr. Gul and get around to adding some pictures and whatnot.

So as to actually be able to make the damn thing interesting, readable and actually worth your while.

Shouldn't be hard as I bring a camera with me everywhere. I just don't use it. Or... I've stopped using it. Hmm.

Right. I am now off to have a look at, I think, photobucket. Whilst practicing some licks, sending an e-mail to the course councelor at KTH and watching some more of the gloriousness that is QI with Stephen Fry,

Ass = Hat, Apples = Bad.

2009-11-20T18:25:00.000-08:00

Another week has passed. 12 of them have passed with me not even noticing. I'm still in the back seat of, myself?

Actually had a really good week at work. I've really only had good weeks all semester. Really, mostly good weeks since I started. Except being underpayed and exhausted. But it really is overall fun. I need to remember that.

Saw grandad yesterday. Bought him his three-weekly case of beer. I love grandad, and I enjoy spending time with him. I wish he really wouldn't just scoff me off when I tell him that. On the other hand, I know I would if I was in his position.

Today I finally got my ass of to the gym. That is why I am wearing my ass as a hat. I only went for the basic gymnasics routine. I felt a right git and a twat the first 20 minutes. Doing slightly dancy moves with, well, alot of old ladies. And a lesbian couple. Which stared at me like I was something horrible that had crawled in. But 2/3 through I was really struggling with my body. Mentally, I'm still in Taekwon-do mode. And as I realised every time I had been sick and missed some TKD lessons... I tend to over excert myself.

I did today. Argh. Erkg... and other noises.

My friend Thobi came over as he had some time that needed killing and we played a boardgame called Dungeon Crawl (I think... ?). It was surprisingly fun. Albeit if you have a real RPG, as we always do, it feels a bit unecessary. Since it's the same thing, without the acting, overarcing story, etc. Just combat rules.

And then it was off, at the last minute, to go see 'New Moon' with Maja and friends. Really glad to meet up with Åke who I hadn't seen in a long while, even though we didn't get any real time to talk. SL almost made me miss the show sadly. Cancelled buses and general lateness.

The film was... wow. It's hard to describe. I havn't seen the first one or read the books. But it Really demanded that you know the story through and through beforehand. From the view of someone who isn't read up on it, I watched alot of stupid characters doing retarded things, for no reasons. I was mainly hoping they would all die horribly so I could go home and at least laugh misanthropically about that but... alas. Not a single death. I especially hope I never have to come across the heroine character again. I can't really remember a more unlikable character.

On my way home I was attacked. By a apple tree. A semi rotted, rock hard, peice of fruit hit me squarely on the head and almost knocked me over and out. What the hell? Evil tree.

Crawling, in a slight upward incline.

2009-11-09T14:31:00.000-08:00

It's really hard. I guess I havn't made much progress but emotional so far. On the other hand, for me, that tends to be all there is.

Crashlanding.

2009-10-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

The Malmö trip came and went. Alot of adventure and fun, with some sad insights into my mind thrown in for good measure.

I really wish I had the energy to do the complete story, but Linus did a great job of it over in his blog: http://linus.gyt.se/ Albeit it's in swedish. But there are some stupid pics of me. Look under the title "there was no phonecall, but..."

I came home two days ago. I've been to work twice. I havn't noticed that I've come home. Weirdness. And early tomorrow morning I'll be on the train again.

*yawn*

Cleaning day

2009-10-08T03:58:00.000-07:00

Today there will be cleaning, there will be vacuming, there will be... ehr, trying to stay bloody warm. Damn it's cold in this appartment.

So. I got through the flue. But there are lingering things. Lungs are still thick. And actually, my bloodpressure has been a bit... weird.

Also wonder why I have these massive headaches every day I've been working. Even when I make sure I have enough to eat or drink. A slight intellectual part of me is starting to wonder if I have some sort of health problem. I'm not one to blow up that sort of thing, but... I dunno. Granddad has bloodpressure problems.

I promised myself a couple of weeks ago that I'd get out and about and travel a bit more. Now I'm heading to Fagersta, Malmö and Tibro... all weekends after eachother.

I'm still a really busy guy. How the heck does this happen?

Good days and good people.

2009-10-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

Now having the flue has sucked. But I have lovely friend and I have lovely family.

Yesterday was a great day of friendship, games and roleplaying. I love living with Gus, it's all slinky. Even though I had some sources of great anger during the last week I've been nicely balanced out.

Had a great day with mom and Alex today. I feel refilled.

Now, I've only slept three hours though. Extra wrong since I've just had the flue... but. Heck.

Getting ready for bed though so no worries.

Virus nomming on mah brain.

2009-09-28T15:45:00.001-07:00

I am actually really ill. And it sucks. It's quite simple. Viruses are trying to eat me and in the process reduce me to a dying virus factory. Argh.

There's a really annoying trend going on amongst friends. Everyone is working really hard at smashing into my head that I'm a good person that matters. Ex. http://linus.gyt.se/ my friend Linus. Under the heading Lamentations, third paragraf. I knew there were many reasons why I love that man.

I'm really, really, truly trying to get my shit and my mind toghether. I'm still floundering around. I can wish all I want that someone would step in and show they care and grab me by the neck and point me in the right direction. But... that sort of thing doesn't happen. It's going to come down to all me.

Sure, it's especially hard now when with-the-flue to see clear and gather strenght. But I need to have a couple of important talks with some people. And hey, maybe I could actually ask for help? Holy crap, that is such an alien concept. Ask for help. Not wanting to be a bother is so madly ingrained into me.

Not completly unexpected.

2009-09-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Yep. I am sort of sick. First the symptoms did say flue, but... Now I'm not all sure. It's way to mild to be the flue. But I feel really crappy.

And the first thing that comes to mind is be having promised to buy food and stuff for granddad. But I really don't want to infect him with anything.

I dunno.

I don't mind hiding behind the compy and the wii for a bit.

Hell. I'm so going to have to buy a wii when I move again.

Vile Filth

2009-09-25T18:45:00.001-07:00

Angry at tonnes of things. Especially me. And I feel extra filthy. Had a wii powered and coffee fuled conversation with my good friend Carl about alot of really disgusting but true stuff.

Just booked train tickets down to Malmö to visit my other very good friend Mr. Gul. It's really funny, I helped out with bits of some Freak Kitchen notation yesterday, and this morning. And suddenly we were five years back in time. During those wonderful, weird nights of making Freak Kitchen tab-book material. That was some serious notation, alot of growing and companionship. Not too mention just fucking nerding around like hell. Damn, I love that stuff. And at the oppertunity to relive some of it, I just dropped everything.

Now a ticket ordering site is fucking with me. I'm supposed to see a Porkupine Tree concert with Mr. Gul but the damn site and the router I'm sitting behind refuse to cooperate. Ah, hell. I'll try again tomorrow.

I've been playing alot more guitar since moving. That's awesome. I feel like I'm evolving again. And all the singing at work is paying off. But I want the fucking band to get going. And I need help, someone has to grab my by the dick too my computer whilst Logic is running and make me record this shit. Argh! Anger! Hate! Why can't I get this shit done?!

Same as why can't I feel ok and balanced and finish with school. Or anything I want fixing with my situation and life. Nike can go fuck themselves with their 'just do it' bullshit. Even though it's fucking true.

I'm cursing alot today but, fucking hell... Yeah!

Dammit. Argh. So much teatering around crap and small annoyances too punch through. And big fucking major gripes to hate on. I need to scream at people, sing at people, kick them in the balls and fuck them over.

Now. I hate that the only way I can feel better about all this shit, is to be fucking angry about it. I can only choose between sad and angry. Where the hell is the constructive option? Sure anger is alot more constructive, but I have anger control issues. I don't want to walk around feeling the need to kick someone in the teeth.

So. To summarise:

FUCK!

Three day week still become seven.

2009-09-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. I work three days per week at the moment. Somehow I've been madly busy every day anyway. And I don't seem to have got anything done yet.

Tomorrow I'll be doing the last lessons of the week. Dunno. I've been seriously tired this week. It can't have anything to do with me blogging at... oh 04:45 in the morning?

The Nom-inator is studying Die-abetes.

2009-09-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that I come home with a mother of a headache after a particularly shouty day at work, end up drinking coffee and tea (at the same time) watching Gus out of the corner in my eye playing Zelda. And then walking off to bake cookies.

We got another 20 cookies of death out of this.

And I'm going to have some.

Hectic socialising

2009-09-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Right then. Yesterday became a day of baking, prepping and cosy tv-series watching before it ended. Made some seriously awesome Chocolate double chocolate chip cookies with hazel and peanuts. Diabetes? Yes please.

Now I'm trying to stuff my face with something food-like. Prepare rpg. Waiting a call from my uncle. Then I'll head out to Lidingö at top speed, prepare a celebratory dinner. Then sleep out there after dinner, tomorrow there will be big inter-family rpg to be had.

Sunday will be tea drinking, probably more baking and me trying to buy shoes.

I just hope it all works out fun, and tasty.

That was a weird one.

2009-09-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Someone keeps calling me 'early' in My morning. I've had conversations about this many times. The person doesn't stop.

Today, I got mad, grabbed the phone and just turned it off.

Got up again a couple of hours later. Took a shower, went to work.

Long day at work. And sort of going through a couple of things I don't feel 100% doing yet, since it's new material. Suddenly my boss comes in and asks me out, all serious. I step out of class. And she hands me a licorice, and sends me back in. Wtf?

Got home with a thumping headache. Which really is the standard way I come home. Tea, dinner, some internetting. Gus comes home with Caroline. Both hillariously drunk. We had the last bits of cheesecake and they seem to be merrily asleep now, whilst I drink another (way to much) cup of tea.

And I don't get to go to Alex's master presentation. Weirdness. Sure it's all like high-up academic sadness in some way, but it's an important day.

Oh, alone time.

2009-09-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Seven out of nine (oh, star trek anyone?) courses at work have been started. There might, might be one more. I really hope it gets going, because I need the money.

I feel like, dizzily tired. But the bed is like, really far away.

And I've got a nice cup of tea right here. Waiting for me.

High hill homecoming.

2009-09-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ok. There is something off with my energy and sleep levels. I'll try really hard to get in bed a bit earlier every day and see if it helps out.

Everything there is to do keeps weighing heavily on my mind. So much of my mind is just one tangled conflict of needs, desires, musts and have-too's. Just now, one of my best friends Mr.Gul told me I was awesome for always being there when needed, and in general. And I as usual can't just accept it but try explaining it away. Sure, now it turned into a good compliment for us both, as I was out argued. But dammit. My mind is a sick thing.

First monday back at work. A bit weird, two composite groups of students who have very diffrent levels of skill. I'm gonna have to sit down and have a real good thinker about how to go about this. Most confusing group has people from four old courses.

Came home to some meatstew dinner and cheesecake with Ice Age 3. Good times were had. We're making a little weird two-man dysfunctional family (all families are, I'm not downing anything).

Where to start unraveling my mind, where? It's really all about getting going again. I need too:

Buy shoes -> Get access card to F&S -> Exercise regime

Record Guitars -> Get Drumtracks -> Record Bass -> Record vocals -> Conquer World with music, fullfill dream.

Book studycouncelor meeting -> Go to KTH and get library books -> Continue and finish Master Degrees.

Sit down and look through appartment listings like a possessed bastard and figure out a way to get a more permanent way to live.

Work really hard to get my relationship up and running again, being a thing that helps us grow instead of being a bit of a downer.

Research where and how and who I should get in contact with to actually get some real help with dealing with my mind.

The scary thing is, these are all pretty huge things really. And they are constantly 100% in the front of my head, bouncing around. The constant thinking, worrying and all the possible ways things could happen. No fucking wonder I'm tired all the time. I can't relax.

Needed meaninglessness

2009-09-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

Mostly been cleaning a bit today. Aiming to sort alot of papers tomorrow before going to work.

Got some important mails sent and such.

Still trying to make up a plan of attack for all the stuff I have to do. Why is it so difficult? It's just stuff.

Naked cheesecake fairy.

2009-09-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

Actually brings really nice cheesecake. At two o'clock in the morning. Wearing a blanket, as a cape. And no pants.

O.o

Ahem.

Right. Got some much needed guitar practicing done today. Some more One Peice. I'm going ot beat that series. And I went to visit Carl. More guitars were played, taught him Dethkloks 'Go Into the Water'. A very, very manly song. And we played around with the game Prototype. Alot of badassness, yet highly repetative with complete lack of a functioning narrative. Not anything I'd spend money on for sure. But ok to play around with.

Started reading a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. A bit longworded, but I hope to crack through it sooner then later. And as i've been sorting my head out for years and not getting anywhere, but now actually trying to find a way to actually get some help. Hope this turns out to be one of the first steps.

Another sort of homecoming.

2009-09-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

Ah. Today was dominated by dinner with Alexandra and family. I became last minute cook, and I was asked to recreate a weird homebrew gumbo thing I made up a month ago.

Which was a bit scary to be honest. It was like, chicken, beef and fish. With spinache, crushed tomatoes, onions and chili. With rosemary, soy and diffrent kinds of stock so to give it all kinds of flavours. And to top it of, I put cocoa in there. It was really cool, because you have no clue what you're actually eating.

But... reacreating it. Kinda itimidating, since I didn't remember what I did last time. And it'll probably end up diffrent. And it did. But when we added a hint of Blairs Original Death sauce on top, for us three who wanted a bit more hotness, it ended up where it should be.

It was really nice being back. I very, very much miss that whole aspect of my life. And me and Alex, toghether, hanging out, doing stuff, being us. There's still alot of magic there, when there is time and space for it to happen.

Some sort of remembrance

2009-09-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've been terribly slow and tired since I got to the new place. I feel like a bit of a letdown to those around me.

Had to get my ass in gear and get to the library for a book return today. Not to mention that I actually have to borrow more books.

Then I was invited to dinner at my friend Emmas place, with two other guys, Oskar and Pontus, and Emmas parents.

Had a long walk there, to get some physical activity in there somewhere. Good conversation, good friendship, surprising compliments on my music. My mp3 player was dragged out of me, and everyone agreed upon my slosh recordings being awesome and they want my albums. I keep kicking myself for not having been able to get further then I have.

Now I sit here blogging a bit before brushing my teeth and heading for bed. I have no clue where my roomie is. Is he asleep, out partying, who knows. The only thing I know is, he's damn slicker then me at not doing stuff. :P

Blubb, blubb, blubb, in the water.

2009-09-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

Today was the first full day back at work.

You always forget between terms just how badly your head gets messed up by doing five hours of continous lessons without break.

But it was fun. The electric guitar groups got to play some bad ass Dethklok, the song Go Into the Water. It's such a massive metal song. Awesome riff, you can play it over and over and just get more amped. Also had a beginner acustic group for 10-13 year olds. Looks like it'll be a good group with fast learners.

I've come home to a empty appartment. Enjoying the silence, tea, and a few episodes of One Peice. And good msn based friendship.

Got a bunch of go-around-town stuff I need to do. Basic food shoping, shoe shopping, library visit, bank visit. It just feels madly uninspiring. And I really wish for a full nights rest. I'm madly tired and I want this damn painful knot out of my back.

Alex is apparently handing in her essay papers. After that there should only be the presentation left. I really, truly, madly hope that this will allow us some time toghether. Everything was going along rather nicely, but the stress and the busy gets in there and ruins things.

Hmm, also have alot of papers, cds and stuff here at home that I'd like to go through. Need to prep everything so I can start writing again.

O.K.

2009-09-08T15:50:00.001-07:00

Dammit. No.

You're not better off then you make for yourself. Sitting around feeling crap in the head isn't constructive.

I've thought of getting back to writing a actual diary, ol' pen and paper style, since it helps. But hell, I spend more time at the computer. And I can practice guitar between thinking of things.

Yes. Lets try being a bit candid and truthful about the day to, if not anything else, put my days in some sort of realistic perspective.

I spent alot of last night, and this morning, sitting and watching One Peice with Gus. That series is alot of fun, and I think the only real humor based anime that I feel a good solid connection with. Maybe sometime I'll get around to some other series. But as I'm on episdoe 30 of like... 555+ episodes and films. Yikes.

I'm reading through Mötley Crüs - The Dirt biografy book. It's a tough one. It's hard to care for these guys in any sense. Everyone has had similar tough times, but they just did the drug thing. And the asshole thing. More asshole then drug thing. I just don't get how they can be worshipped as heroes. But I'm 3/4 through it. Two or three more nights at most left.

As I was watching awesomeness with Gus, we both got up kinda late, around noon. Guess it's kinda good that we are on the exact same rythm when it comes to sleep. My excuse is coming home late from work and being a night person. Wonder what his is. :P

Today was the first day back at work. It's weird. Classes are missing students. And I don't know why. There's been problems getting letters out to students about new courses. But I can only speculate that there's still a good whiff of bad economy whafting about. Anyway, the first lesson went well. Rehashing some old ground to make sure we know it, and yeah, both me and the students need to work on some fingerpicking. We really need to at least be able to do the basics properly.

Also, Gus is doing the date thingy, so I suggested that I should stay away for a couple of hours extra. Turned out one students mom/our secretary, something inbetween, had got the times mixed up. So I hung around and gave her a free hour lesson. Had some dinner, left over creamy curry and rice. Practiced a bit, although tired and headache kinda ruined that. Got some more papers in order and prepared for tomorrow, which will be a full day. Electic guitars aplenty and adult beginners on acustic guitars.

Now sitting around blogging, guitaring and wondering if I shouldn't cram in some episodes of OP. Luffy is king. Or will be. Whatever.

Where am I?

2009-09-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

I keep waking up in a strange place.

And my mind is closed inside some crystalline prison. I can see out. But I can't crack it or break it.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone around me. I don't know how to ask for help. I know of some goals. But even though they are small. It all seems unatainable.

I hate crypticly sad blogg entries.

That's not supposed to be.

2009-02-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

So. I got to sleep during the weekend. But now... I havn't slept since I got up on tuesday, twelve-ish. And it's about 23-ish at the time of writing 12 + 24 +23 = fuck all!

I'm trying to gather the sense to be able to write a report to my doctor about my experiences on the pills.

It all just feels sad and lonely.

I'm gonna pop some dinner with tea and nuts. And I'll just fucking start wow and vent in the hope of running into someone to talk to.

Cramping results.

2009-02-17T03:10:00.000-08:00

So. I was given two sorts of pills from the doctor, and a pamphlet from the psycologist. The pamphlet was a four minute read of thing I already knew, and that was that, sadly.

Pill 1: Helps you fall asleep, simply. But you will wake up with headaches, exactly like a bad hangover. Don't really see how this would be a improvment, but I'll try.

(after trying... I didn't get any extra sleep, but got up with a murderous headache... IwannadieIwannadieIwannadie-style)

Pill 2: Actually cures night scratching. Which I don't have. But the side effect is lessened anexiety, and that you just fall over sleeping.

I've had mad cramps in my stomache from the vomiting. But at work, I realised that it's given me great stomache support, for singing. I can sing awesome high notes! Powermetal singing, here I come! (or rather, I'm gonna try as hell to learn how this works so I can do it without weird cramps)

And! They've fixed my sink in the bathroom, finally. New pipe and everything. As the piping actually broke, after not working... for a year.

Now, breakfast, te, and some headache pills... hot damn my head is thumbing like some really bad euro techno.

Diffrent kinds of hard.

2009-02-15T11:33:00.000-08:00

Hard times, hard pressed, hard mess.

I've been fighting the insomnia since, well, actually, around christmas. Not being able to sleep made me miss a exam. It made me not able to get around in finishing the essays I need done.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a doctor and a psycologist. I really hope this will get me somewhere. No. Actually. I hope to get out of the insomnia and to get a slip that shows that I've been ill, so I don't loose my appartment. I want to move, and soon, but at my own volition.

I also got hit hard by a stomache bug on friday evening. A little of 24 hours of hell.

How come I always get sick, so that I am very ill at the same time as it's my turn to clean the common kitchen here?

And in my few hours of dozing... I dream of music.

Snow

2008-11-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

The snow has come, and my disposition has hence vastly improved. It's weird how the meaningless darkness and wetness of the end of fall just destroys me.

I'm transcribing math notes right now. It is extremly tedious. And it feels weird. I feel like I've completly forgotten how to study.

I did it two weeks ago. Now... it feels like I have no clue when it comes to focusing my mind.

And having had a good nights sleep for the first time in many months... my back has given up. I'm in so much pain, sometimes, I get close to crying. And I can't find anyone to come and give me a massage. I'm in terrible, awful, painful, need.

It's about half past four... and it's already dark outside. Slow snowflakes falling down outside the window.

And I want to go for a walk. And do some more exercise. And play some guitar... and...

On saturday, I turn 26. Or... more properly, I turn 19, for the seventh time.

Farewell

2008-11-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

The funeral was yesterday.

It was tough, it was sad, heartbreaking in so many ways. But... I kinda feel that some healing started to happen. I worked really hard to care for the family.

I am completly and utterly drained.

But damn, I look great in a suit.

Guitar Smashed Face

2008-10-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

There we go, nice title, referenceing Cannibal Corpse and the weird shit that went down yesterday.

So, I've now managed this. I was explaining something to a student, holding a acustic guitar in my right hand. I feel my grip suddenly slipping. I grab the guitar in the air so forcefully that I smash it into my face. A machine head imprints itself in my forehead.

The force of the blow knocks me off balance, and I fall backwards, into a convenient chair. Landing comfortably, my head goes on rolling backwards, and I hit... the concrete wall.

And so, I had a slight concussion.

An hour later, I managed to hit myself again... this time just splitting the inside of my lip.

This is like some... record of asshandedness. Seriously.

Hell yeah, Guitar Smashed Face.

Outside the leaves are falling

2008-10-28T03:05:00.000-07:00

Got woke up by one of the secretaries calling from work (before 11 as we have agreed is the earliest they call, since I get hom so late) asking me a inane question, wether I was having a fall break in my classes. When they've specifically told me... I can't have a fall break in my classes.

Why?

The last few days of working out... is being felt. Thuroughly. I am so damn stiff.

Turns out that I've misscalculated on work though. Seems I'm actually done about two weeks earlier then I thought. That's great. More time to study before exam.

I'm chronically running back and forth from my mailbox... because my new guitar is about to arrive. It's like three weeks late. And I'm also scared because of all the problems the post office caused the last time I ordered one. (it was shipped around for a month and smashed to bits)

But I'm not well. Seriously. There still so much of this whole thing to process. And not getting to be around them, the family... it... breaks my damn heart.

Decide to live

2008-10-26T03:26:00.000-07:00

The thought processes just keep on milling in the back of my head.

All the sadness and tragicness of what happened, the wrongness.

I got to meet Alex and Vicky for the first time since it happened yesterday. That felt really good to me. I could be of some use. Making them feel better. It's weird how making people feel better and taking control of a situation becomes my number one priority.

But there wasn't much time. We had some coffee, and that was that, Alex had to run off. I took Vicky home, to be sure. And then had a long walk home by myself through a dark forest.

I can't help feeling though that I've greived. I want to be me again. Stupid schoolwork heading in, starting tomorrow.

And I'm again trying to bestow a plan on myself, with daylie routines of physical training and guitar practice.

Which is weird as I teach guitar all day. But I, quite seriously, don't get to do anything that makes me grow. Ok, my understanding of scales has improved, but technicality feels to be falling away under me.

But. Planned the B-day. Trying to use facebook for the first time to send out invitations. Need to get the regular ones out today.

Exploring the: "not at good place"

2008-10-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting with my teacup, in what for me, now, classifies as early morning.

I was close to being derailed even before she passed away. Now, I've been off for a week. I start thinking about it at odd times. I get sad. At work, on the train, or when I sit here by myself.

I seem to be sleeping constantly. And whenever I look out the window it's late, it's dark. But that's just the weather.

I think I might seriously need some help. This is me falling into a real depression. And next week, it'll start being stress, more stuff to do. And my essay is already behind because I havn't managed to work on it since I got the news.

And it seems a lot of people have been needing me emotionally this last week. And it's all alot of e-mailing and msn writing. As always, I'm back to my most common complaint. That I sit here, all alone, and mostly, not metaphorically, in the dark.

I also can't help feeling that for those people who really have been around and tried helping me a bit lately, I must feel like a black hole. Just sucking everything in.

I need to live again. But I've needed that for years.

List thingy, don't know why.

2008-10-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

I've got a ton of better things to be doing. Hence.

Now the playlist is filled with a whole lot of stuff. Probably over a month of continous music. This can get... hard.

How are you today?
Some of these days (Django Reinhart)

A instrumental with improvisation going both up and down. Curiously fitting for a first song.

How will your life turn out?
Destined for Glory (Hammerfall)

Oh, hell yeah, thank you Hammerfall. http://www.lyricsdownload.com/hammerfall-destined-for-glory-lyrics.html

How does your friends view you?
Freezer (Charlie Clouser)

This is from the movie soundtrack to Saw III. I am a... cold box, filled with dying people? That shut other people out? Dunno why, but again... it does feel oddly fitting.

Will you get married?
More chords (D. Andersen)

A song that I've written, that doesn't have a real name yet. The one thing I always remember from the song is the stumbling drums in the beginning.

What the themesong of your life?
Snap (Freak Kitchen)

A song about stressing yourself to death. Thank you Matti, you hit the nail on the head.
http://www.freakkitchen.com/albums/move/track03/

What's the story of your life?
The Ascension (Symphony X)

A song about rising to something greater. And from trying to remember the lyrics, doing it as two people. http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-winters-dream-the-ascension-part-ii-lyrics-symphony-x.html

How's school?
When day is done (Django Reinhart)

Improvisational instrumental again. With a... fitting title.

How will you get ahead in life?
Ride with me (Steppenwolf)

Wow. This is creepily good. Seriously, again, read the lyrics...
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/steppenwolf-ride-with-me-lyrics.html

How till tomorrow turn out?
Phantom of the Opera (Iron Maiden)

Oh, I shall meet a very... false person? Or find out that I've been very false about something? Go wednesday then. http://www.lyricsfreak.com/i/iron+maiden/phantom+of+the+opera_20067988.html

What is the best thing with your friends?
Yellow Blues (D. Andersen)

A song that I've written. No lyrics yet. And the working name is a reference to my good friend Linus. Who in most ways, is a embodyment of the term Great Friend. Fitting.

What will happen next week?
Over and Out (Pantera)

First lyric line is 'slaving for eternity' and next week I need to write like mad to get my essay done. Good work yet again winamp. http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/P/panteralyrics/panteraoverandoutlyrics.htm

Which song best decribes you?
Lucianno Pavaronni (Ron Thal)´

A short musical parody. Of, well, you know who, and spanish guitar. Umm. I don't like the short bit.

What is the status of your life?
Rum Runners (Swashbuckle)

Another short instrumental. I am... illegaly transporting and selling booze? First real miss of the bunch I'd say. I can't think of anything fun or fitting here.

What song will be played at your funeral?
It's so simple (Saosin)

I am yet to actually listen to the song. Maybe above mention Linus, who sent me the album, in hopes of recruting me to his emo-era could explain?
http://www.lyricstime.com/saosin-it-s-so-simple-lyrics.html

How will the world see you?
Gently (Slipknot)

Oddly dark and ugly song with a unfitting title? Well. Yeah. From afar... I might look gentle.

Will you have a happy life?
Kalis Son (Jonas Hellborg)

I'd take that as a no?

What does your friends think of you?
Experiment (LOK)

I won't comment. But those who actually know me, and has seen the facettes... should be chuckeling. http://www.sweetslyrics.com/465112.Lok%20-%20Experiment%20Lyrics.html (and... can speak swedish)

Which song best describes the one you are attracted to?
Passing through an old raped village (Mortiis)
Part of the friction (Sixth)

First song: OMFG!, that is to much of a coincidence that I am scared. Not to mention that it's... completely horrible. Hence, I took a second song as well. http://www.metrolyrics.com/passing-by-an-old-raped-village-lyrics-mortiis.html
Second song: Wonderful homage to my sexual frustrations I must say. http://www.actionext.com/names_s/sikth_lyrics/part_of_the_friction.html

What do you want to tell the next generation?
Game start theme, Mega Man 3 (capcom sound team)

Play more awesome, REAL, videogames, bi-atches.

Do you have a dark secret?
Part-time lover (Stevie Wonder)

I am confounded... and well. Guess. It fits. Damn you Stevie!

What does people fantisise about you?
Golden (Fall Out Boy)

Yeah. People see me as better then I am. Or. Better then I think myself atleast.
http://www.lyrics007.com/Fall%20Out%20Boy%20Lyrics/Golden%20Lyrics.html

How can I make myself happy?
Punk rock song, german version (Bad Religion)

Rail agianst everything, forever, prefferably in german. Well, except the german bit, gladly. (Since I suck at speaking german)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/badreligion/punkrocksonggermanversion.html

Will I ever have kids?
Suffragette City (David Bowie)

Interesting, as there's a lyric line that always stuck in my mind. "there is only room for one, here she comes, here she comes"
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/david+bowie/suffragette+city_20036917.html

What is a good tip for me?
Det bästa jag vet (Slutan Anstalt)

Umm. So that would be... fuck more? Sure. Ok.
http://forbannat.blogspot.com/2006/08/sluten-anstalt.html

How will I be remembered?
Jenny B (Bumblefoot)

A song about really, really, really loving someone, well, that's how I've understood it. http://www.bumblefoot.com/discography.php

What song makes you want to dance?
Baseball Bat Boogie (D. Andersen)

Oh hell yeah. Another one of mine. It's seriously danceable.

Rage days

2008-10-05T03:55:00.001-07:00

I've been so angry and sad the last few day and yesterday it erupted. I'm so glad I've got concrete walls. Even though my hands are bruised.

Shit has got to change.

I got dumped on by four diffrent groups of friends yesterday. Everyone had decided that I was supposed to show up, or we had actually decided something. But everyone I had decided with changed things without telling me. Leaving me hanging, alone in rain, with a mobile that doesn't want to work. And then three groups more started yelling at me for not coming... when they'd never bothered telling me about it in the first place.

I need someone to fucking emotionally invest in me. I need some damn physical closeness and intimacy. I've stopped feeling like a person and just a, walking body, doing menial labours.

And my appartment is so fucking cold.

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate; hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

Today I'm a nice man. Surely.

Spontaneous intimate peircing and general anger.

2008-10-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Been poked by so many people about getting back to blogging.

The sad fact is that I used to get home, play some guitar, and write, to empty myself, forgive the day, move on, that kind of thing.

And now, I don't even have the energy for that.

That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I'm back on 08-23:30 days. Not good. Especially since I'm trying to research and write a 15 page essay. It's just not doing anything for my health. Be it physical, mental, sexual or whatever. No time for nothing. And beside friends who are up on msn... noone really makes time for me. Because, well, they can't. I hate how self pitying it sounds... but... love needs to make time. For me.

In other news, I'm awaiting a new guitar to arrive. Yay. And replacement parts for my old jackson, which I've actually managed to play so it broke. Cool and sad, mostly sad.

I've also managed to get my right nipple peirced. But not in the good way like you want. A accident at work, I was balancing the guitar body on my foot, having the head near my armpit whilst bending forward to point out a technique flaw in a student... and *zip* a small 4mm uncut bit of guitar string... peirced my titty.

That, hurt. I damn well scared the whole building with my surprised scream.

Now, in hindsight... I kinda wish I had a bolt I could have put in. I mean... you don't want to go through that kind of pain for no reason. Just as well actually get the peircing.

But in all rambling seriousness. There isn't enough fun in my life as it is. And not enough love. I want a social life, with my actual friends, family, bands... I want a love life with a girlfriend. I keep feeling that I work hard on all of these but... it doesn't pay off. Like I'm alone trying to pull all these rafts upriver.

I need to check, what happens with this appartment, if I ask for a year off from studying. I want to ask Linus about that music school, even if it is in the middle of nowhere, I want to find a place for the band to reherse. I want to be done with school. I want to have a way out of the job. Even though I actually do enjoy alot of it... I want to be able to make demands. I want better pay, better hours and the students and classes that I want to teach. I want to be able to do my photografy project. I want to record my albums. I want to go visit my relatives. I wish I could travel, skii again. Get back on Taekwon-do. Holy crap, I really enjoyed having that in my life.

But everything is school. And work.
And since they're everything. I don't get a recharge. They've stopped inspiring me. It's all scraped. Clean. Like... the icky bits of a episode of Dexter.

And hell, I wish I could sit and play some damn computer games. That's been even more ages. Last time I visited mom, she wanted me to stay and play some Civilization... but I had no time.

That's just sad.

Rabble, rabble

2008-09-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

That is damn well it.

I need to write, for myself, again. I do not know what really happened. But after the exam (which I passed) I really just fell over. And there's stuff from this spring still clinging to me. I hate the term "burnt out" but... it just pops up. 90 hour workweeks... is enough to make you keel over?

Dammit. I got through that monster period. I beat it. I won. Why can't I replenish my energy and get back up and kick more ass?

And there's so many awesome and great things happening around me. School is a breeze if I just work a little. Friends, roleplaying, love, music... it's all here.

Why am I not working properly?

Free?

2008-05-23T01:57:00.000-07:00

I think I passed the exam. I dare not hope. So I have to wait three weeks until I get the results.

But I'm experiencing a feeling of freedom. Not having to get up early and pushing, straining, through each and every day. I work as a guitar teacher for one more week, and then wednesdays for three weeks.

But I can damn well do whatever I want.

The interesting thing is that what I started doing was making a list, of all the shit, I need to do. Although now, I get to choose how and when to do them.

It will take a while to recover from the exam and this semesters trials.

I've been completly overwhelmed by all the emotions, urges and activities that I've had to repress during the term, so that I could focus on school. So, alot of things that needs resolving. And alot of things that need to be felt.

Nine days.

2008-05-12T02:40:00.000-07:00

Nine days to exam. It's so hard balancing out and not just running away.

Tomorrow is the last control-exam. I need to beat it, so I'll be studying all day. I've had four days, and I havn't got that much focused studying out of it. :/ And then on saturday my students are playing their concert, that's a whole day of exam studying lost.

And as soon as the damn exam is done... I'll either be devastated, or set free. But no worrying about that. Just, do it.

Five months out

2008-05-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

It's close to the middle of may. I've been living alone for over five months. It does agree with me, in some ways, not in some. It's just another way of being. Living.

Less then two weeks to the huge math exam, less then five days to the next pre-test. I'll be sitting with my nose in the books all friday through monday. I need to get it beat.

I'm so looking forward to a school break. If it wasn't for school, the job would be enjoyable. And probably, a bit, vice versa. But not toghether. That I've had 60-90 hour work weeks... it's been to much. And I really, really can't put myself through that again.

Working on my mental balancing act. So far, 3 out of 4 pre-tests completed. The one I missed I couldn't study for. And two of them, I got 100% score on. And I was the only one both times. But... why is it so hard to belive that I know my shit?

Just finished making food for the week. Seven portions of tomato/bean sauce. 250kcal each, just make pasta or rice, and eat.

Also something I'll be glad to get back into, a exercise regiment. A guitar practice regiment, and... peace. And friends. And music. And roleplaying. And... love.

Nightmare

2008-04-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

Umm. Ok, so, I woke up one and a half hours early, trying to escape from a really, really creepy nightmare.

I still can't shake it. So I had to get up, turn on the lights and, start doing shit. I just hope I can get it out of my head until the end of the day.

Today is a 08-23 day... and tomorrow is a 08-00 day... so I'd like to be able to have my sleep.

Moving on

2008-03-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

There. Had a easter holiday, sort of. It's mostly been me lying in bed, sleeping. I have slept like a madman.

Everything starts up again, beginning yesterday. And... I just, really wish that I had some more time to relax, and slowly verve up again.

A funny thing happened yesterday, met a really nice woman on the train home from work. We just got to talking and woosh, the trip just flies by. We exchanged numbers and I might already have run into her on facebook. New friends everywhere.

Had Emelie staying over... and we were up until about five in the morning playing Frets of Fire (free guitar hero for computors). It's weird as we're both guitarists, and that game just hands our asses to us.

I am not stable of heart of mind at the moment. It's all just... difficult. So I'm in extra need of friendship and love.

Mathtime.

Two months and the three years.

2008-02-27T02:27:00.000-08:00

I've lived in my new appartment for about two months. I'm still... not really that settled in. It continues to feel like a expensive but shabby hotel.

My work and school schedule doesn't really help. I sleep in my room. And that's about it. Sure, I eat some food in the morning. And sometimes scribble on math problems in a frantic way. But that's about it. I need to have friends here, and live in the place.

And knowing that I can't really get anything better until someone thinks it's a good idea to share a appartment with me... is a bit stifeling.

Everything that happened on saturday is really messing me up. I'll not be well until this is resolved.

The move part 1.

2008-01-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

Alright. So.

Tomorrow, or in about 9 hours, I will be moving. I am not sure about how long time it'll take getting the internet working. It should only be a few days, if even that. But... things are never that easy. But, just so you know.

The room was small, cold, kind of scruffy and smells of burnt fat and bad cooking.

I must say, it really didn't inspire. It just felt. Wrong.

:/

Yuwie?

2008-01-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

Umm. So, ehr, does it work? I really don't know. So far it's looked a bit annoying and unweildly. But I'm trying it out anyway.

Supposedly it's a community, like Facebook, but you get paid a fraction of the money they bring in from advertising.

http://r.yuwie.com/kyrasis

Try it, or don't. Who knows.

Not a new year yet.

2008-01-01T05:05:00.000-08:00

Sitting around waiting for mom to come home. Need to start moving the boxes around the appartment so I can clean out my room.

It's happening now. And it's weird, because it'll happen in a few hours and then it'll be all diffrent.

I am not in a good frame of mind though. Fucking up as badly as I did with saving Alex's hard drive... I can't stop berating myself. That's really, really bad.

And, after our little get toghether yesterday, and everyone went home just a little bit after twelve. I felt so alone. I couldn't stop crying. And especially when it comes to me and Alex. Being at her place for two days working on stuff... but not being able to relax, or be intimate. I'm am really cracking at the edges. And not seeing eachother for two months at a time.

I am also not sleeping enough. I'm still up at four in the morning. That's bad.

But this change in where I live can bring alot of good if I can catch it. I know that. And I so sorely wish that I can get people to come visit me, as for the first time in five years, I'll have a say in who comes and goes in my appartment.

So, to help myself catch the good stuff. What do I want?

I want to exercise more again. And my new little idea with 20-30 minute aerobic passes 3-4 times a week seems to work. And using a stepcounter make sure I get 10000 steps a day. That should get me somewhere, right?

Record my music. I'll have six weeks of time before work and school starts. I have more then three albums worth of material, and two major side projects, and much more. And it is my dream. I have no good excuses not to do it.

Finish school. I'm working on it. And the steps I've taken with myself has worked. Continue.

More roleplaying. It's great fun. I have so many ideas. We havn't played in six months.

Meet my friends more. Socialise. And Not make Alex my sole encounter with other people on a personal level. (oh, there was a great pun there, but noone will notice)

But also, I need to get to spend more time with Alex. If this is to be a relationship. We need to see eachother.

Three days til christmas...

2007-12-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

Damn it's been good to just Relax.

But it didn't last.

Dammit.

I am pretty sure I beat the exam. Someone will have to spill plenty of coffée on that thing to make it fail.

Had a very fitful sleep. I kept thinking it was the day before and that I had to get up early. Spent the day cleaning up, handling paper, packing a bit more, deciding that I'm not running of to the post office and that stuff. Save it until tomorrow.

Played some rock and blues, damn that's fun. But I always feel childish whilst doing it. I need more practice.

But a great day ends with arguments here at home. And I'm feeling terribly alone. Nobody bloody calls. All friends are going off to far off places.

And it's really, really annoying that I can't find a car to help with fetching the new computor. Ah, well. I've got Carl... we'll manhandle the thing homewards.

Writing to get it off my mind

2007-12-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

Exam tomorrow.

I've been following stuff, I've been studying. Right now... I feel like I just don't give a shit. Holy crap this is boring. If you could study it slowly and get to go through this stuff more practically and experiment, it'd be really interesting. But abstract physics? Blurgh.

And even though I've been through everything during this week. I need to speed through it again to have it fresh in my memory.

But I'm all hazy. I just want to sleep, go hide or something. I've had really weird rythm all week. I can't sleep because of anexiety, although, again, better this time. But I'm just... out there and can't focus anymore. I wonder if I should just go fuck it, play some games, and then just go and do my best. Or cram like mad until I need to go.

Maybe I should do something inbetween.

On a completly unrelated up-note. IT'S BACK!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0jSxRBvh3bk

One of the damn funniest videos ever. Good times to be had by all!

Packing

2007-12-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

Got five days until the exam. And I've been pretty good at studying. But you can always do more. *sigh* I'm scared. Really scared.

And I just keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting and missing so many things concerning moving. And I'm getting more and more worried about the financial aspects of it all. I'm trying so hard to push it all to the back of my head and just live in the now and do what I can.

I can't remember when I last saw Alex. And she's swamped with school, and sick at the moment. She's really down, can't see any openings or any time to see me, she can't focus on anything fun... and is in a period of feeling like utter crap and that people don't like her.

It's really, really hard to be supportive, call and try and say hi and make what you can out of a phone call. I need to figure out some way to cheer her up. And I need to figure out a way to cheer me up. Mr. Gul, dood, you've been the greatest for that. And thank you again.

But I need to meet people, and do things as well. Argh.

Horrible day

2007-12-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

First, I am pissed at myself. I wrote us down on the wrong lab sheet for the wrong day and managed to write that down in my notebook wrong as well. So I got up early as shit, and then didn't even get to do the lab. And then it took like three hours to get home, because EVERY DAMN TRAIN LINE WAS DOWN. And none of the emergency busses turned out to be working. Fun. And of course, even the commutor train to work was 45 minutes late.

But the most annoying bit is that I've found myself going around and berrating myself again, calling myself a idiot and being so damned dissapointed in myself for one little misstake.

I'm not happy today.

Thank you

2007-12-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

I need to say thanks to H for loaning me about 20 moving boxes. And huge thanks to the mystery man, whos face I vagule remember seeing on the street during the last 20 years who helped me carry the lot home when my arms finally gave out on me. Helping strangers in the street. Thank you for that. I wonder if I've cashed in some karma, as I do my best to be helpful when I see people in need.

Now, I need to mail and mess-age around and make sure people are hip to the moving plans and see who won't mind helping out. 3 of january everybody, yell my way so I can make a list. I'll need people at Lappis and at Sandfjärdsgatan.

Older and birthday pains

2007-12-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

So, 25 ey?

I'm nowhere near where I'd wished I'd be by 25. I hoped to have a gigging band and be about to finish my university studies about now. And that I'd be able to have a real apparment, or be looking for a house about now.

I'm instead only halfway through studies, although getting better at it. I don't even have a rehersing band, let alone a gigging one. I'm moving to a students room that I can only afford by overworking myself beyond my limits.

And, as is rather normal for me about this time of year, I start thinking about the past. And especially about H and S and what happened around the B-day date. I feel a urge to meet them, hang out and talk. I'm still trying to formulate that to myself, why I feel like this. But, I was really hurt, for stupid reasons. And... in so many ways it's sad how things are now.

I want to feel that I still matter, that it wasn't all for naught. I want to be important to them. Because, they're important to me. Because of who they are, who they were, and what they've meant to me.

And speaking of matters of the heart. I am really not enjoying that me and A have to much to do. I want to have a relationship. And a couple of hours some third or fourth week isn't one. I am so much in love, and she's so great. But we damn well deserve to have more of eachother. I get tired of myself because I keep being, well, nervous, when we meet. I don't know... sometimes I just don't feel that I really get to know her, and not seeing much of her is definatly a part of that. And the other part is certainly me. A part I don't like. I love her, and I want her, but for some reason I can't let myself take her, for me. Something I so thought I'd gotten past. But... with her, it's a block, again. Although, as far as I can ascertain, it's only with her.

I need fun, chocolate, a serious massage, and a holiday.

Birthday Dethday

2007-11-28T01:05:00.000-08:00

Many years ago something grew inside of your mother.
That thing was You

You

You, You, You, You
Did she scream did she cry
Only those who are born
are the ones who get to Die

One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological disconcordance
Birthday equals self-abhorrence

Years keep passing aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new prescription
Bullet in a fucking gun

One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year

RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy birthday
You're gonna die

Now you're old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbated
Children point to you and scream
Because one day they'll become that thing

One more year of further suffering
there's no point of fucking bluffing
Open up your Dethday present
It's a box of fucking nothing

RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday
Die Die
Dethday
Birthday
Dethday

RSVP Please
For the deth of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

___________________________________

Tomorrow it is. And I get up at 05:45, go to school. And then go to work. I get home at 22:30 at the earliest.

Thanks Dethklok.

Appartment amendment

2007-11-22T00:38:00.001-08:00

Ehr, second of january is the day I get the key. Not febuary.

Appartment

2007-11-21T00:57:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I got my contract. The second of febuary I can move in.

So much to do.

Especially the bit about getting a car and the bit about hiring a cart, and getting a computer of my own, and moving boxes, and home insuerance, and what furniture to bring, and... and... argh...

I'm also getting annoyed with the laser course. Dammit. I feel like I don't remember a thing. And every time I sit down to work on it, I start getting a panic attack.

And as I will be moving, now I want to pack. I want to pack everything up right now so it will be ready.

A lucky coincidence, the guitar I ordered might be arriving by next week. The guy working with me at the reclamation center has been really good to me and actually dug up a guitar even though they weren't supposed to get it in until march. So I'll cross my fingers that it'll all work out.

I wonder. I spent my saturday evening giving Alex massage. (love, love, love...) but, when I woke up today. I thought I'd snap in half. I've been stressing around and I feel like crap so it's not strange. I need some.

Cold

2007-11-11T04:45:00.000-08:00

Everything is cold and I'm feeling numb.

I'm fighting with a small ball of panic. I don't know what to do. I'm desperatly trying to relax. But I keep coughing. And being anxious.

Maybe I could go to TKD today. But the cough is still a bit to bad. Next week? At least the sinew in my leg seems fine.

Maybe I could go for a walk, that relives stress. Listen to a Pratchett book. But it's so cold. On the other hand, I need to go shopping for granddad.

I miss Alex. Anexiety, technical difficulties and just all bloody stress from school has sunk or plans to see eachother for months. I need her.

Every little small thing that needs doing feels huge, gigantic. I hate that feeling. As it's all small and generally easy. But I get anexiety at home. And I get it from the bloody exams that I need to pass. And... weather I've passed the one I did a month ago, or not, will really, really affect me. To think that I'll have to re-do it. Again. I... can't accept that. Not when I worked so bloody hard on it.

Just tired.

2007-11-07T00:37:00.000-08:00

I am totaly out there. I'm having trouble separating the days. There's to much going on.

Still a week until I get to know the result of the exam. And that is a horrible naging thing in the back of my head. New course has started, with, of course, alot to do. I can miss some seminars, because I've got all the material written down since last time. But there is Alot to sit down and simply calculate through and number-crunch so I get back into the swing of it.

Still alot of annoyance concerning the reclamation of the guitar I bought now over three months ago.

I don't know... I'm in a state of panic. Without real good reason. But mom is managing to create a severly hostile feeling here at home. And I can't bloody well hurry up the appartment que. It is a que. And it's a really, really nice feeling to be totaly unwanted and wished out. For no apparent reason then that the other person is having trouble with herself.

And I can't seem to reach her or get her to understand what she's doing. It's just, not her anymore.

But, a bright side, that I'm holding on to for all I'm worth, is that in three weeks both tuesdays and thursdays should be free. The ten-week semester at work will be done for those courses. And from then on courses will be finishing every week. Sadly, all the way up until exam time, well, the day before. But, at least, it's less things to do. And hell, I've got six weeks to study for this exam. Which I last time only missed by 0.5 and 1.5 points, out of like 50. And I'll damn well stand up for myself and demand to get to do something to show that I know how, if I for some strange reason fail.

My good friend Kim just asked me if I'd like to try living with him for a couple of weeks, until things get... sorted out. I must admit to slight tears in my eyes. It feels really great that I have friends like this. In that respect, I am so lucky. And it's sad that I don't get to see much of them as we're all doing diffrent (and stressful) things now.

Post exam week headache

2007-10-29T04:52:00.000-07:00

Bwaaargh.

The exhaustion has continued for a week. And I've been ill. It's like, hard, just to go and make a cup of tea. If I havn't had to go to work or meet someone, I've been in bed, barely reading. I'm that tired.

I sorely wish that I'll perk up and be able to record a bit during this week, as I'm actually free all week.

*waves fists in the air* Dammit. I wanna play music. I want to be up and about. But now it's not a depression or anything, it's my damn body giving up on me.

*makes some spinache and shame soup* (that is water, with spinache and to-little potato mash powder in it, and then you add either chopped sausage or fishsticks... mmm... shame soup)

And outside, it rains, and rains, and... well. Rains. It's perpetual grayness distilled.

But, yes, it's easy to get caught in being pissed off at all this. I was able meet Alex twice this weekend. And things are great. (except the whole not-getting-to-spend-enough-time-with-eachother thing)

I want a whole weekend set aside, just for massage. And another one for pure romance. And one for tea and chocolate... and... and...

Post exam headache

2007-10-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

Got up at 06:00... went to the exam 08:00-13:00 rushed to work 15:00-21:30... just got home 22:40 something.

A long day. And I must have passed the damn exam. Although there were a few places where I can't say that I was certain of what they wanted. And you need 75% to pass it. It might get close. But if it does, I've got a whole bunch of things to argue with them about. Not to mention that I'll try to dare and demand to be able to do some sort of follow-up work on the bits I missed. But, I should be more confident. If I managed to pass the percentile, then I'm getting the one of the top grades.

Gawd. Everything is spinning and I, of course, feel like I'm having a cold coming on. Oh! *walks to kichten and gets tea*Umm... actually, I think I'll get some alvedon as well *goes back, limping* Gawd. Sprained all three muscles in my leg at tkd yesterday. I look like an idiot. I've got all kinds of cramps, unshaven, black rings around my eyes and a scowl of perpetual, hateful vindictivness.

Guess it can't be all that bad. My japanese teaching college asked for my msn and facebook stuff so we'd be able to keep in touch and talk more. I guess I must have managed to keep up some sort of coherrant speech.

Umm. I was going to rant some more. But I feel just bloody awful... I'm going to sip my tea and stare at the screen until I can manage to crawl to bed.

Gnight.

Exam.

2007-10-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

I must admit. That I'm dealing with the exam hundreds of times better then I've done before. But damn. I am totaly about to loose it. Now it's that feeling of tightness across the chest. The complete blank minde and the overwhelming urge to cry and scream.

And I need to take it easy and review alot of stuff during saturday and sunday. And, well, tonight. And it really feels like a complete impossibility. I know that the exam will mainly use the stuff from the seminars, so I need to go through the important bits of that. It's not hard. And I know alot of it already. But damn. My stomache is filled with ice and I can't think.

9 minutes until I need to be out the door. I'm brushing my teeth and trying to select some decent combination of clothing.

2007-10-16T00:18:00.000-07:00

So. Monday is the exam that finished and ends this course. And, I am back again to feeling limply scared and not sleeping well at all. My head is not a good place to visit right now.

And, I am noticing that I'm upset about the coming saturday. My gf is going out and I can't come along. Because of dresscode. I don't happen to have any fairytale clothes. (and alot of you go, wait, didn't he do larps, and yes, but see, the twist is...) And what I do have isn't the slightest bit Kinky. Which is the demand to get to enter.

And it's also the fact that suddenly, we're back at the fact that we'll have met only once in two months. And, that quite seriously just makes me want to cry. I can't help feeling completly unprioritised.

I'm trying to figure out how Not to completly freak out because of the damn exam. I'm not really getting anywhere. I'll print the stuff I need and then, just buckle down and keep reading. But I wish I could just feel a bit confident about the whole thing. I've read everything already and got a good grasp on it but...

Blackouts and Deathsauce

2007-10-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

The modem has been broken for a week, which resulted in sooo much extra work and hassle. And all work and no play is making Demi a very tired, sad and frustrated boy.

And still all that is left is buckling down and... continuing. Everyone is busy. Doesn't really matter if I can find a few hours free, there's noone to see anyway.

Fighting back

2007-10-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

Bwargh, I'm so tired. I've had a headache all day. And I've been everywhere today. KTH, home, school and back.

But I'm fighting back. And Ling is really good company on the train. I have apparently been able to help her with her swedish some. She tried to get me started on chinise... big mistake. But I'm damn well going to try. I can't help feeling that it'd be so awesome to learn some languages. (which I've hated, hated, hated to learn before) But... again, time sort of... gets in... the way.

Oh, got my tickets for the FK gig. Now, ehr, to figure out How to get there. But, I've got until january to think of a plan.

Sunday, even though I'm totaly swamped in work, I'm going to meet my boys, and we're going to do some roleplaying. *yay!* I'm probably going to be dead, as it'll be from right after taekwon-do, but I'll be in good company.

Woke up grey.

2007-10-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Somehow I dropped the ball. I woke up and things were back to being grey, inside my head.

I'm really tired and worn. Heckofalot to do, as I've written so many times before. School, work and traveling inbetween nets me 60 hour weeks.

It's really tough to sit down and work on the school bits as the project feels so extremly braindead. And the course material to take in is just so massive. And I don't know where they'll put the bar on the exam. I could be underdoing it, or I could be overdoing it. But I'll have one, one and a half week to read through it all a second time.

I'm loved at work. I'm the guy who's always there. I'm the helpful one the other teachers turn to when things fuck up. I have the most popular courses. And then, I run into little eightyearold girls who spend their entire lessons trying to think of the most hurtful things they can say. And, I really can't do much about it. And I've already caught myself decending into pettyness and vindictivness when they do that. Next week, make the rules clear again. And if they missbehave, they'll get to leave. Damn it's just awful and painful to have those courses.

Dance, dance

2007-10-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dammit. I want to have the time to be able to take dancing lessons with my girlfriend. Ok, she's not the biggest dancing person, and neither am I. But we've always had so much fun goofing around with it. And it just feels right. That will happen.

I am really, really starting to feel a need of a few days off. Gawd... there's sooo much going on every dang day.

I miss my friends, I miss my boys, I miss roleplaying, I miss... and it's only three weeks in.

Oh, and so many things I want to do. Sheesh... the locked in feeling is horrid.

Managed to book tickets to the Freak Kitchen vs Lindköping Jazz Orchestra gig. I'm really, really looking forward to that. 1 of march.

Tank top

2007-10-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with a big mug of water. Got a major headache from working, talking to much and not drinking enough.

I've been able to stay on top of myself. Only like now, being extremly tired and worn, do I feel the anexiety lurking. Three weeks to exam. Bwaaaaah...

I'm still pretty damn isolated. Everyone, especially me, is extremly busy.

Umm... I can't get around to even formulating my thoughts into some kind of coherency.

Gnight' y'all.

Precious moments

2007-09-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today, I... woke up happy.

Which is strange, as the evil constructionworkers made their noise, and a airconditioning inspector wanted to get into the appartment.

Today is one of those rare great days where I feel happy. It's so fickle and fleeting but I'm going to hold on for dear life.

Got to know yet another teacher on the train today. Ling, who teaches chinease. It's weird, I hang out with a bunch of language teachers. And the teacher in art history. Damn. I've gotten to know a bunch of really nice people. Hope I can get to know them better. We've got so little time outside the classrooms.
A drunk guy got on the train while I was conversing with Ling. And he wanted to talk to us. Dang, I was hard pressed to keep the guy occupied. He had slight aggressive tendensies, and wanted to talk politics, as he was a lobbyist. It's really weird to agree with someone in that state. But he got off finally. And I was called brave by my new friend. Thank you Ling. It's just sad how much experience I have calming down drunkies.

And now, sitting here, tired like mad, from a long day... I'm getting really scared about loosing this feeling. The feeling that I can actually do thing. And the continuing remembrance of all the good things I have around me.

Oh, and btw. Hot Fuzz, is like, the best film ever! And you better all go listen to Devin Townsend hardrock musical Ziltoid the Omniscient. Damn that's great stuff!